College Rants#1: A very confused girl

I couldn't sleep last night. And that is very unusual for a person like me. I can sleep in any kind of surrounding possible; I just need a pillow over my eyes, one under my head and one to hold on to :D

But despite the fulfillment of my sleeping criteria, I couldn't sleep last night. 

It has something to do with the extreme turmoil in my head I think. And this gives me a sense of deja vu. Well not deja vu really because something very similar to this has happened before, the night before my Electronics and Electrical Engineering practical exam to be very precise.

I feel awkward to go into details over it; silly of me to be shy in writing something on my own blog but it somehow feels this way. I know I am talking in circles and no one can make out head or tail of what I am saying, I cant myself :P

This turmoil I am talking about has mostly to do with peer pressure(well this is the conclusion I have reached to after extreme thinking last night. I mean, I have to blame it something other than my sanity :P) I try my best to not let it get to me but in my sleep deprivation state yesterday, I couldn't just shut out the murmured conversations of my roommates late into the night.

The turmoil I talk about is the effect of something that happened before this but this just added to the utter confusion. Again, I found myself wanting something I don't know and when Joyeeta asked me what I really wanted, I couldn't reply.

I couldn't help but feeling lonely and the book I was reading(A handmaid's tale) just added to the already overflowing feelings. And when my mother didn't call me in the morning like she usually did, I felt like bursting into tears.

I don't kid when I say that I have no one in my life except my parents and my brother. I dont kid when I complain that they have forgotten me when they call me a bit late. And though I pretend to be indifferent, almost everyone around me talking endlessly on phones(you can guess with who) gets to me sometimes.

But the so-called 'turmoil' doesnt have this as the sole reason. It has something to do with... how do I say this, I feel so awkward :D

Something to do with likingapersonIdontreallyknowbutwanttoknow??? :P

There you are- you have a very typical teenage girl ranting about her silly, superficial problems.

Sigh.

This is so downright silly isnt it? I know that I would be guffawing when I read this post like after two three years but at the moment I would rather dwell in the misery of the situation :P

It seems harmless enough to like someone isnt it? But then my friends here bring in heavy words like 'commitment' and 'future' and 'what next' and it scares the hell out of me.

I have nothing in my past to compare with this, so I think I should probably go and ask for advice from my highly qualified friends but I am too proud to admit my feelings, too proud to let people know that beneath all the I-just-dont-give-a-damn-about-this-shit I am that hopeless romantic scribbling love stories in the back of her chemistry rough copy :P

Hence, this rant on my blog. I am doomed if someone from my college reads this :P but I dont really care(well I do a bit :P) I love my readers, however anonymous, whoever it might be.

I wish I could go back home this weekend. Arpita would SURELY beat this hopeless crap out of me and bring me back on the path of sanity and coolness. I miss you Unni :D

But I cant and it is depressing me to no end. I mean its been hardly THREE days since I came here and it feels as if I have been rotting here for nothing less than 3 months :(

I miss my mother. I miss her warmth. I miss her touch. I miss the free way in which I can talk to her. I miss her so much that thinking about her brings a lump to my throat.

But I have to endure more than a week before I can see her again and till then I will deal with my turmoil somehow. :P

I did no big crime. My hopeless heart just liked a person. Then I wonder why it aches so much.

Sorry for being silly :P

A very confused girl,

Kirti