College is one hell of serious place. Pity that it has taken me one and a half semester to understand this. I have landed myself into more misunderstandings than I have in my 17 years of prior life. College is serious because whatever you say or do casually or just for fun’s sake backfires and hits you on your face when you least expect it.
Something like that happened to me a few days ago and I don’t know who to talk with, who to share with. I wrote this two days back, the very night when I got to know all this and my head was crammed with worry so I was doubtful about posting this NOW, when my thoughts, worries and the whole situation seems very silly but I need to get even the residual emotions out of my system and whats a better place to rant than my blog? ;)
I was actually planning on a high, excited post on my doings and the happenings at our department’s alumni meet and I ended up writing this instead- a woe filled post about its aftermath.
Where to start from?
That fortunate/unfortunate day when I got picked for the English drama? That fortunate/unfortunate hour when Huttu and Joyeeta backed out and I was the only 1st year junior girl left in a crowd of seniors? That fortunate/unfortunate hour when we saw our department seniors for the first time?
Believe me. It was like a blind man seeing light for the first time. After spending six months in a class I would rather not comment about, the charismatic seniors of our dept. were like a balm to our sore eyes :P
I would rather not get started here, it is this very ‘application of balm’ that has landed me into trouble.
The first thing I should have probably taught myself before putting even a toe inside college was to keep my mouth ABSOLUTELY SHUT, but thanks to that
fortunate/unfortunate hour when I got a ‘freak’ gene
inside my system, I couldn’t bring that lesson into action. I suck at keeping
silent. I suck at not sharing things. I suck at keeping secrets of my own.
I feel as if things happen just so that you can share them and maybe that is the reason I am typing away like a demented person right now- sharing things, easing myself.
And so I talked. I talked about the one senior I apparently ‘really’ liked but who wouldn’t even look at me (:P), I talked about the one senior who treated me like her own sister, I talked about the one senior who liked Korean serials like me(oops, never meant to admit it in public! :P), I talked about the one senior who was so funny that my sides split AND I talked about the one senior who was so decent that he took my responsibility to the end.
So you see, I talked about EVERYONE and EVERYTHING in general. But some ears pick up the stuff they want to gossip most about and twist it in a cruel way.
It doesn’t take long to like someone and it doesn’t take long to misunderstand that ‘liking’. I liked that senior(I wont be taking names) because when the didi’s asked me to propose any guy in the room I might have liked, he held up his hands and told me not to propose HIM, because he already had a girlfriend. I liked him because when I was walking away from the rehearsal alone, scared, very scared that I would again be pestered by some seniors on my way back like the previous day, he was the only one who offered to see me till the college gate. I liked him because when he asked me to point out the seniors who bothered me and cursed my drama team as ‘bunch of irresponsible people’ I was disarmingly and overwhelmingly reminded of my brother and I felt so devastatingly cared, I felt like crying.
It maybe that my brother doesn’t talk that much and is a bit resrved but the traits were heart wrenchingly similar- that slightly scolding tone, that playful way of talking, that sense of responsibility that comes without qualm.
That day I felt as if I had found someone, found a ‘dada’ who could help me out in an emergency as my own brother couldn’t maintain his long distance save-your-beloved-sister-from-goons-job.
I hope I have made it evident enough how impossible it is to NOT like someone like him and wonder what his girlfriend had done her previous ‘janma’ to get someone like him. Strictly girls talk you see.
Pretty harmless wondering don’t you think? But it was precisely this that has gotten me into trouble. And the whole thing again comes back to the lesson I failed myself in- keeping my mouth shut.
I absolutely cannot do this very thing. I cannot refrain myself from blurting out whatever I think and feel. If I like someone, everyone has to know about it if I hate someone, everyone has to know about it. Believe me, whenever a hot guy passes, I tell my MOTHER that he is hot. Well not ‘hot’ exactly, take good looking :P
I mean the other day, during the practice sessions, I was going on and on over the phone with my mother about how beautifully someone plays the guitar and she was like- what about the other guitarist you had taken a fancy to few days ago? (She was referring to Jason Wade because I was swooning over ‘Between the raindrops’ the previous weekend)
So see, even my MOTHER knows I am never serious about this stuff. Even she knows I have probably 10 crushes in one day and real-life ones are like an exception. And so I never imagined that my casual time pass talks could end up creating troubles- for me and for the couple in question as well.
Yeah I was too. So shocked and aghast that cold shutters gripped my heart and made it ache. How do I make that poor girl sick with worry herself understand that my ‘wonderings’ were just… just a silly fabrication of a silly girl! How do I make two people who are probably fighting away because of that silly girl’s insecurity over ME that I never meant any harm, I wasn’t even interested!(I mean come on. The only guy I’m interested in(currently) is Jason Wade)
So when Joyeeta came and told me what my silly blabbering in front of everyone(some sneaky bitch went and spiced up the whole story) has cooked up, I realized what my extra talking had caused. And I felt sick with guilt. So much that my eyes welled up. What do I do? Apologize? Will it erase the misunderstanding I have created? Will it erase the moment of fight two people had because of someone so stupid and foolish as me?
What does that girl have to fear from me? For goodness’ sake, isn’t she the one committed and me the one dancing away happily single?
What can anyone have to fear from a silly, idiotic girl like me who doesn’t know when to stop, when to shut? It is my so-called ‘pointer’? That is temporary I swear. Just see how badly I do in this sem. Will that make people happy?
I don’t have much. I don’t have flashy things and hi-fi boyfriends to boast of. I don’t even have any special talent to speak of. I dont sing, I suck at dancing, I don’t even play any musical instrument. I just have my mp3 player my brother got me that is filled with wonderful music and keeps me going. I just have this notebook and an ink pen that is my everything. I have this blog that mirrors my heart and everything I write here is special to me. I just have this peace of mind that helps me sleep at night without worries but why people are intent on taking this peace away I have no idea!
A part of me knows I am wrong and that I have done a hellish thing unknowingly but a part of me revolts on the tears I have shed. How do I make people understand that my talks are just… talks? Or do I really need to do that? Do I need to shut away every frank side of me and turn into some frickin stranger?
How do I make people understand that despite my whiny talks and fits of insanity and depression, I am cozy in my own world? That despite my daily basis moans on how 105 girls out of 112 in my hostel are committed and I am rotting away single, the only thing that makes me truly happy is staring at my book shelf in torchlight in the middle of the night before I sleep? That beneath everything I am just a confused, confused girl? Hell, I am too busy unraveling my own life, why the hell would I interfere in others’!
I miss Sattu. She would have understood me. She would have understood that I didn’t mean any harm. That its not my fault if half the girls are mature beyond their years and half are cruel, plotting witches. That I never imagined in my wildest dreams that someone would even bother to sneak away this silly silly gossip and hurt someone. That I feel so guilty, the lump in my throat gets bigger by the minute.
I make such a mess out of my simple life every.single.time. It is pathetic to the point of being hilarious. I don’t know what to do. Keep a low profile probably? Oh I wish Sattu or Antara were with me now!
I mean seriously people? Cant you understand a bit of insanity?
Maybe I should be the one keeping my insanity in check. In short, the lessons I have learnt from this incident are-
1. Due to unfortunate absence of people who understand me, I should keep my mouth shut about everything in front of everyone(my readers are the exception :P)
2. Don’t even LOOK at the departmental seniors from now on(this is going to be tough one now :P)
Your casual appreciation of their smartness ∝ Their gf’s fear of you stealing them.
3. Don’t even dare to talk about your crushes!
4. Stick to on-screen, in-fantasy crushes over hotties like Jason Wade(swoon) and Cumberbatch (WHEN will Sherlock season 3 come!!!!)
5. DIE SINGLE :D
And lastly, try to regain back that peace of my mind. I mean seriously. Hardly 15 days to go and I have only 500 words on my Harper-Collins story. These idiotic things have shifted my focus. I am finding ENGINEERING math harder than high school math and I don’t know where to hide my head in shame. (Last class was ok though. I am not that hopeless in doing Laplace transforms than I thought myself to be.)
And Leo, please don’t kill me for another late submission. In a situation like this that has terrified my very words away from me, I’m afraid that humor is the last thing that would come out of my pen and even the other poems aren’t my best shot :( They seem soulless.
I wonder when I will really stop stuffing my head with all this pointless stuff. That too regarding two people I hardly even KNOW. Guy talk, I thought was a nice perk in a single girl's life but seeing the crazy issue it has cooked up, I am afraid.
Should I be changing myself?
Tired of all the drama,