Saturday, August 16, 2014

Catching up with times

Things have been weird lately. 

Well, nothing can get more weird than me not writing the usual crap I write on my blog and for that I will have to apologize to my imaginary readers because I don't believe I have any left anymore :P

So, I am actually getting the feeling that I am talking to myself which shouldn't be very surprising because I tend to do that sometimes. Most of the times. 

I am not mental. 

There was a time when I used to read about a dozen books a week. Reading in a KV with the most amazing library ever has to do everything with that. And now, when my bookshelf is just overflowing with books that I have always wanted to read and always wanted to buy, I find that I don't have that much time to actually finish what seems to be like a overlarge, pending To-Read list. Those really were the good times.

I don't know what this post is about. A product of having too many incomprehensible thoughts in your mind maybe. Right now, there might not be an answer on my lips if you ask me if anything is troubling me and yet I would sit by the window of my room brooding the whole night. 

There are some times when you wish there was someone who would find the answers for you. But there never is. Not really. You have to find them on your own. Or give up trying and be influenced by the people who have been influencing your decisions (read-taking your decisions) from the beginning of time. 

I am not whining. I swear I am not. 

Things are pretty normal with me though a change of hostel and two whole new roommates can be unsettling in the beginning. But apart from that, it is the usual five-days-of-college-then-rush-back-home routine for me. And apart from getting progressively lazier, there has been no stark changes about me either. 

As for my college life, it seems like a monotone but is at least better than what it was in the first year. It is just the feeling of indecision gnawing me day and night. What after this? What choices do I have? What do I really want? 

One thing has been very clear from the very beginning though- what I am doing is definitely not what I want. 2 years of engineering and I still don't have a subject that I love reading, that I would love teaching because teaching is all that I had ever wanted to do.

But the funny part is, I had always imagined myself teaching a class full of awed students a Tennyson poem and not Fluid Mechanics to a room of sleepy teenagers who are waiting for the class to end. Because that is what I do- wait for the class to end. 

The truth is, the above statement is not funny at all. It is actually as sad as sad can get.  

I think I just swore I won't whine a few lines ago. You must forgive me :D

Maybe this is just a midnight rant. Maybe in the morning everything will be normal again and this would seem old. But would any morning change this truth and some certain realizations I have made about my life?
Realizations that I am too ashamed to share, too fearful to express? 

I would hope it would, but then that would be just wishful thinking.

-A Kirti who fears for the dreamer in her. 


18 comments:

  1. long almost endless to-read books list --- check :P
    too many incomprehensible thoughts --- check :P
    progressively getting lazier --- have been since ages. check :P
    teaching as a career path --- yeah, had wanted that too :D same subject as well.

    you and I ain't that different after all ;)

    -- a Leo who is still Kirti's reader

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    1. I feel so much better after reading your comment! It is really nice knowing that you still follow my worthless rants :)
      Well, we always have had a lot in common, didn't we? ;)
      Thank you so much :)

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  2. Read the post.

    From the post,i can understand(though not totally) the emotions.

    Life is at times is like like that.It just keeps rolling,and we dont understand,what is going on and so many
    unanswered questions it (life)keeps before humans!!and its right,at times-its the individual alone who has
    to find the answer for their ownself!!!this is all life....

    but these are all "phases of life" i can say!!!just the phases-which every individual has to go through at some point or the other in their life!!!but i am sure,one day right answers will be known with "time" !!

    And kindly do not worry at all(ur blog post shows bit of dullness and worry)!!!surely you will always "be"
    in the place where you want yourself to be in!!!!Because HE(Upper one -the almighty who is ruling above
    all the people) always supports noble thoughts,passions and intensions!!!!He(god) never fails in that!!!
    from the blogpost i could understand your passion and love for teaching.so for sure god will surely
    show some good way!!!so dont worry about it!!!

    can understand your love for books and teaching from ur posts(they very easily reflect the same).
    so surely,a person like you,with such good love for teaching is surely needed for the society because
    it can motivate legions!!!!and as said-god would always show his mercy and grace for all the people
    who have true passion to do something meaningful!!!its just the matter of time....

    and yes-in the very last sentence-"fear word"i hope and wish -it would be replaced soon with.....
    a good positive word.may be it should be rather than "fear" -it should be "a kirthi-who loves dreamer
    in her".!!!then it looks very motivating....!!!

    good luck..!!!leave all doubts and queries to god-he takes care and gives the best!!!
    good luck...again.









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    1. You are very very kind. And your comment just made my day.
      I do understand that this is just a phase through which going on but then, life is but a collage of phases and each one brings questions of its own. But then, as you said, this is life.
      I hope that the way is shown to me. I really do.
      I really do love books. They are my undoing :) I am glad we share the same interest!

      I am not usually this gloomy you know :D That word will be replaced soon I assure you :)

      Thank you so much for such a nice, long comment. I simply love big comments you know! :D

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  3. and yes this is very very good book that i have read.

    reading this book really enlights the mood and motivates.just shared!!!if its felt justifiable to read-
    kindly read it.Its "not" a suggestion or advice to read this book-but just mentioned about it.well.


    book is"tough times never last,but tough people do".its by
    Robert schuller.one of very good books that i have read.!!!

    its really very motivationg and would be very soothing.if your time permits and fine to read
    this is really very nice book.just sharing.

    providing the basic link-which tells about this book.
    here is the link:

    http://www.amazon.in/Tough-Times-Never-Last-People/dp/0553273329#reader_0553273329



















    http://www.amazon.in/Tough-Times-Never-Last-People/dp/0553273329#reader_0553273329

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    1. Thank you for sharing the book suggestion with me!
      Though I don't read much non-fiction, I will surely check this out. I need to save money to be able to buy it though; I am totally bankrupt after buying A song of ice and fire series :P
      Thank you once again for the visit and for the kind comment :)

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  4. kind of you to respond and acknowledge.

    Very honestly to admit upon,I was bit worried about the "length" of the comment i wrote.It was written in
    a lengthier way,and was not sure how it might have appeared.

    But very very kind of you,for the patience you have put in to read it,acknowledge it and respond.

    And truly very satisfactory to see a sentence that my comment has made your day!!It is because
    if truly my words could make the day and enlighten(atleast 1%),then my purpose of writing is served.

    and about that "fear word"-firstly very humble of you to consider it, and mention it would be replaced
    soon!!thank you.well,let it be replaced or not-but atleast there is a thought that it should be replaced soon.happy for that.so surely,my eyes would wait to see it replaced soon with a very good motivational word!!!!

    and about "gloomy"-yes,atleast from your blogposts,i could understand(it is easily reflected) you are not an individual to be gloomy usually.i could understand this post was an emotional outburst!!!it happens
    at times!!!well...

    and about the book-no problem at all!!!I just mentioned about it.but onething for sure,
    once read(if at all)-it would surely be liked.good book....

    and good to know about a new book "a song of ice and fire..."-so wish a happy read...of the book!!!!
    have a good time with the read of the book...!!!!

    and yes as always-pleasure is mine reading the post!!!thank you.







    thank youso much for it!!!!

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  5. Sigh. I know exactly, uncannily exactly what you mean to say. And I know how not-funny that is.
    I have also realised that this means I will never get to be a teacher. Because for me, it is impossible to teach science. So strike that off my career options.
    But hang in there. You're this other part of me so I know exactly what you're going through but I also know that we could never give up. Call it childish naivete if you will, we still know how to keep going. We'll mark the mountains...and we'll walk towards them and try not to stray as much as we can.

    Till then. I'll be there for you.

    -Antara

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    1. But marking the mountains is so hard sometimes especially when clouds would stubbornly obscure them. But yes, I know that we know how to keep going.

      I am here for you too. I hope you know that.

      I love you. Please come back soon.

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  6. It's godawful hard. But we'll do it. Together.
    I love you too little flower girl :)

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    1. I love you too my personal box of treasure :)

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  7. no new blogpost?...
    kindly keep writing...!!

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    1. Just got caught up with some stuff. Will surely post something soon. Thank you for hanging around!

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    2. nice to see your response.would wait for the next blogpost!!!

      Delete
  8. Why do we read? Why do we write?
    I think we read because we are seeking answers to our elusive questions. I think we write because after wading through all the pages, we still don't get our answers, and so, we write, trying to answer them ourselves. But we want those answers from someone else because that will make us feel that we are not alone.
    I think you have stopped reading because now you feel that those books don't have the answers. I can assure you that there is no other reason. You are just tired. And since you have grown now, you try to seek those answers in people. You trade your stories with theirs and hope that you will find that special someone who would pierce your forehead, get inside that mind, and just know what you are thinking, because your thoughts are so cloudy that even YOU cant decipher them. You want to know them through someone else. Your thoughts are so absurd, that you are afraid to speak them out, fearing that people wouldn't value your dreams as much as you do and you might end up feeling cheated, or embarrassed, or that they might make fun of you, or even think of you as insane. Because you normally put on a mask, and behave as OTHERS want you to behave, or at least behave in a conventional way, and in the process, you have ended up making a different image of yourself in society, and you keep building on that exterior image which makes it even harder for the real you to come out. You tell people what THEY want to hear and not what YOU want to say. You smile on their faces( and i am sure that you smile a lot, but that's only to win others' trust) and wait for them to divulge their biggest secrets and weirdest wishes so that you can divulge yours and feel that they will keep yours safe because well.......now you have their secrets too😈. You little devil!
    you sure have a lot of "friends" i am sure, but none of them actually know who you are. You are not yourself in front of them. And that's why you wake through nights because that's the time you can be yourself, and nobody sees you, because every NORMAL person is asleep by then. You want to be a teacher because you want to tell the world how YOU see things isn't it?
    Man! I am too tired and sleepy now! Actually, i can write a book on you if i want. But what's the use? You already know who you are, don't you?😁

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    1. Phew. That now, is a really long comment. Though I don't question about who my anonymous commentors are by principle, I would be lying if I say that I am not curious to know who you are and if you were someone I knew personally!

      Curiosity issues apart, I would like to say that you made a pretty fair assessment of my personality; I am impressed. I agree with you about the reasons why we read and why we write. I agree with you on the account of me trading stories with people because I seek answers to the questions that I sometime fear to acknowledge. I do sometimes say the stuff what people want to hear and I account that to the substantial amount of diplomacy I learnt after I joined college. You can't always get your way around things and it is futile trying to do the same sometimes. And yes, in the heart of my heart, maybe I AM looking for that special someone who would perceive me for who I am.
      But. But but but. I haven't really STOPPED reading. Because I never can. I can never NOT read. The world would cease for me the moment that happens. Or rather, I would cease being ME when that happens. So as long as I am reading, crazing over books, day dreaming about the books I would buy given the money, how I would rearrange my shelf when I get back home, I am happy. And in my own dictionary, I am sane :P
      Yes, we do read because we are searching for answers but I refuse to see the world as a factory that keeps throwing a pile of questions on us all the time. I read not only because there are some things in my mind that require answering, but also to escape from the giving the answers to question that need my attention immediately. You can call me an escapist, maybe I am one but I would never answer the questions in my life if I am not able to throw in a few Harry Potter references, a couple of quotes from an imaginary friend who is more real to me than some people and an imaginary interview session sitting beneath the stars and swatting mosquitoes. So you see, there is no fear in me that I would be thought of as insane, because I know I am :P
      I think it is a folly to even expect from people to understand and value your dream because they never do. And even we, with all our secret desire of being understood completely would never be able to understand a person that way. But hey, that is human nature and it is okay. I have learnt to deal with it.

      I trade stories with people not just because I am seeking answers in people but for the simple reason that I love, absolutely and utterly LOVE listening to stories. The storyteller in me believes that if I could take a silly incident of my life and tell it in a way that would have a crowd hanging on to every word I say, I stopped the world from being dull in my own way.

      And trust me, I am not one to wear masks. The real me is always out in the open but we all have those darkest corners we hide from the light don't we? I hide them in my words. In the pages of my diary. Yes, I smile a lot but I smile because I like smiling. I don't smile for the people who would be watching me, I smile for myself because it makes me believe that things are all right. I just need to get home and bury my nose in book and cry on my pillow at night. Things will be all right then.
      You could write a book on me? :D I can't imagine why you would even want to do that!
      I can't say that I know who I am with full confidence because I am a very confused person but yes, I am trying and I know this much about myself to say that I would never give up on it.

      Thank you for the visit and for the comment :)

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  9. I said that i could write a book on you because i think you and i are of the same breed..you know....of dreamers. We think we are one of a kind you know, but in reality, we are not.
    I just stumbled upon your blog while surfing the net. I wouldn't have to go very far to know you actually , because i red about you from whatever information you provided about yourself. No, i don't know you personally but i know and don't know myself too well to know you and don't know you.

    And as far as your dream of being a teacher goes, and if you really want to teach Tennyson, then go out and just DO IT! Yell at the top of your voice, gather some curious people, maybe even your friends, and start teaching. Don't mix up your career and your passion. Very few are lucky enough to find the two in the same thing they do.

    And if you are really, really looking for that special someone, then START looking for that person. If you HAVE someone in mind, then go ahead and make the move. And that special person need not necessarily be a boyfriend/girlfriend, he/she could be just anyone. The problem with us is that we try to see the world through the eyes of others. NEVER do that! Even if that person be your favorite author or your idol.

    The loveliest thing about dreaming is that it is a wonderful thing in itself. Just enjoy the journey without thinking about the destination. We dream simply because we like to, not necessarily because we want them realized, you know.

    You write well. Keep reading and writing. Maybe you will find the answers to your elusive questions one day, assuming that you find the questions first. ;P And i don't usually follow bloggers, but i would try my best to follow you since i think that you write simply because you like to.

    Quite a catchy domain name you've got though.. Got you one extra follower..

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    1. Well, I am glad you stumbled upon my blog. It is really a pleasure to connect with someone I don't know and feel as if we were kindred species.

      I believed all this time that my college group of friends do not revel in poetry as much as I do. And then the other day, just before the holidays started, in a random adda session in a friend's room, I insisted on reading out Neruda's Sonnet XVII to a friend of mine (I was in a queerly romantic mood I guess :P) and was so surprised when another friend joined us interested. That kind of fueled me and I kept reading out my favorite poems, explaining the parts they did not get and seeing the awe on their faces as the words that were a part of my heart till then, became a part of theirs. This went on late into the night and when I introduced them to Shane Koyczan and Sarah Kay and other spoken word poets and asked them to see their videos because I could never do justice to their poems with my recitation, they insisted I read it first and that made me so happy :)

      You find love and acceptance and appreciation unexpectedly sometimes, at times and places you are not looking for it. And for that, as you so aptly say, we have to find that courage in ourselves and take that first step.

      As for that special someone, I really do not want to start a search for a person that would tick off all the boxes in the list I started making ever since I had my first crush on Frank Hardy :P
      I think it would be a folly to SEARCH for a person with the purpose of making him/her special in my life. What if they don't? It would be a disappointment then, won't it? John Green says "What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person”, and don't you think we are better off without such beliefs? Because God knows how many people have been disappointed in ME because they have believed me to be something more than just a person.

      And dreaming. Well :) If all my dreams and fantasies were realized, then there would be a horde of famous people and book characters outside my door, all who would claim to have fallen in love with me :D So yes, as you say, we dream because we like to. We dream about going to Hogwarts because well, it is HOGWARTS :D
      I day dream so that I would have a few more dialogues to go into an imaginary conversation when I go to bed that night and who knows, it might turn into a story one day!

      Ah, I hope I find those questions too. Maybe that would make you come back to my blog ;) Thank you so much for saying that, I hope to see you around here :)

      Well, thank goodness for that catchy domain name! :D

      Keep visiting (read-keep posting such lovely comments :P)
      :)

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You read my thoughts. Would love it if you share yours :)