Sunday, April 22, 2012

Everywhere, Everyone is judging you...

These days I don't even bother to hide my tears. Its pointless really, shirking away from the only escape you have. I don't write anymore; all my notebooks and diaries are stacked away neatly on the top of my cupboard. And when I do write, its things like this. At the end of the day, I don't have anything but a splitting headache and things I do to distract myself from it don't help, don't help at all...

Its hard to explain what I feel every passing moment, but I guess people don't care anyways. They don't care whether I cry, or laugh or get so depressed that even my dreams screw me, or that I'm trying to scream on their faces- I cant keep up with you and your expectations anymore. 
All they care about is me wasting time on my computer, or not preparing for yet ANOTHER exam, or pitching up against me when i say something out of the league, so much that i feel like running away.

Come to think of it, I feel like running away most of the times these days. Where I don't know, why don't ask me because if I give an honest answer to your questions, you will ignore me anyways.

Now I feel, people judge you wherever you go, whether it is your own parents, or relatives, or any virtual person or just a passerby. I have been judged by anyone and everyone ever since I came to realize about it- I am a good student because I get good marks, I am rude because I am short-tempered, I am polite because I say 'Namaste' to all elders, I am over sensitive because I cry for small things, I am childish because I search for Harry Potter photos, I am backward because I don't believe in teenage relationships... a 'closed heart'.

But guess what, I want none of your opinions about what kind of a person I am so WHY DON'T YOU SIMPLY STOP???

I am tired of people telling me I have 'potential' to do things WHEREVER I go. Why dont you understand that I dont WANT any of the things people want for me, people so easily judge is RIGHT for me.
I dont know what I want myself! When I say this, people judge me as a girl incapable about thinking of her future- "you have almost passed 12th and you dont KNOW what you want to do?" *incredulous looks*

No, I dont know what I want to do and it would really help if you stop pinning that fact on my head every time.
I am tired of hanging by a thread every single frickin moment. I am tired of having horrible, horrible dreams, tired of waiting for every moment to pass and bring about some other thing I am dreading. 
I am tired of exams, tired of messing up exams, tired of feeling like a loser with every other test I give, tired of trying to tell my parents that I CANT do it, tired of my brother having even more expectations on me than my parents, tired of him calling after every other exam and asking how many questions I have attempted, how many would go right, tired with worrying what my teachers would say when I dont make it to a decent college, tired to think of the things I would have to hear if that happens.

I am tired with people judging me with everything I do, everything I say, everything I write.

I wish someone would come and talk me out of this. 

It is times like this that I really miss Bhola. He was I think the only one who DIDNT judge me. Didnt make out an opinion about me when I cried, or talked to him, or just stood at my front gate with him lying at my feet. We used to be in complete harmony with each other, and truly, he was a better companion than the people around me sometimes.
I wish the dog-catchers had't taken him away. 
I miss Bhola, I really miss him.

People reading this, please dont judge me with what I write in this post. I am hanging in a time where I find it hard to be just myself, and my blog is the only place where I can do that.

These days I really dont bother to stop my tears, but sometimes even they dont help. I wish this would pass... I am tired of it all, tired of it all...

Exhausted with the attempt to pour my feelings out,
Kirti





11 comments:

  1. Judgmental people allll around. I know exactly what you mean. I am so so tired of them. I have nothing to prove to them. And yet...

    Oh well. This too shall pass :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahaha... I know exactly how you feel right now... I'm too fed up with this... You come back from an exam, tired and just want to enjoy, and everywhere you go, all you hear is "How was it?". I mean I don't understand how would my answer affect them. Exam is done, answers are given, what's the point in discussing it. I really look forward for the day when all the is over, with an happy end! :-)


    Ritvik
    http://www.casacio.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. atleast i have TWO blogger friends who feel like me. I am cheered up with it now. and really, i dont get the point either. and i am waiting for the end day to come too! (hope it comes FASTTT!)

      Delete
  3. well some silly stupid judgmental people are everywhere,
    This happens at every age of life but at ur age this happens the most,
    I know exactly how you feel because some way or the other we all have been through this some time .
    you know sometimes negligence is bliss you may want to neglect all those judgmental people and move on.
    And really there is no point in discussing some things in life , Just enjoy your time.
    :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Negligence? it doesnt work all the time i guess. thanks anyways :)

      Delete
  4. Ohk... I wont say anything... Just hope that you come out of this mental trauma soon...
    Take Care:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope so too DS, i hope so too. you also take care :)

      Delete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You have a LONG to go Lady!! just starting to battle with competitive exams right? So buckle up cos the WHOLE world out there is TOO judgemental!

    A nice hear-me-out post Kirti :)

    Cheers!!!! Do stop by my Blog - Kappu

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ahh... thats the thing i really detest Kappu Ji. but lets see how i face it!
      thanks for dropping by!

      Delete

You read my thoughts. Would love it if you share yours :)