Everywhere, Everyone is judging you...
These days I don't even bother to hide my tears. Its pointless really, shirking away from the only escape you have. I don't write anymore; all my notebooks and diaries are stacked away neatly on the top of my cupboard. And when I do write, its things like this. At the end of the day, I don't have anything but a splitting headache and things I do to distract myself from it don't help, don't help at all...
Its hard to explain what I feel every passing moment, but I guess people don't care anyways. They don't care whether I cry, or laugh or get so depressed that even my dreams screw me, or that I'm trying to scream on their faces- I cant keep up with you and your expectations anymore.
All they care about is me wasting time on my computer, or not preparing for yet ANOTHER exam, or pitching up against me when i say something out of the league, so much that i feel like running away.
Come to think of it, I feel like running away most of the times these days. Where I don't know, why don't ask me because if I give an honest answer to your questions, you will ignore me anyways.
Now I feel, people judge you wherever you go, whether it is your own parents, or relatives, or any virtual person or just a passerby. I have been judged by anyone and everyone ever since I came to realize about it- I am a good student because I get good marks, I am rude because I am short-tempered, I am polite because I say 'Namaste' to all elders, I am over sensitive because I cry for small things, I am childish because I search for Harry Potter photos, I am backward because I don't believe in teenage relationships... a 'closed heart'.
But guess what, I want none of your opinions about what kind of a person I am so WHY DON'T YOU SIMPLY STOP???
I am tired of people telling me I have 'potential' to do things WHEREVER I go. Why dont you understand that I dont WANT any of the things people want for me, people so easily judge is RIGHT for me.
I dont know what I want myself! When I say this, people judge me as a girl incapable about thinking of her future- "you have almost passed 12th and you dont KNOW what you want to do?" *incredulous looks*
No, I dont know what I want to do and it would really help if you stop pinning that fact on my head every time.
I am tired of hanging by a thread every single frickin moment. I am tired of having horrible, horrible dreams, tired of waiting for every moment to pass and bring about some other thing I am dreading.
I am tired of exams, tired of messing up exams, tired of feeling like a loser with every other test I give, tired of trying to tell my parents that I CANT do it, tired of my brother having even more expectations on me than my parents, tired of him calling after every other exam and asking how many questions I have attempted, how many would go right, tired with worrying what my teachers would say when I dont make it to a decent college, tired to think of the things I would have to hear if that happens.
I am tired with people judging me with everything I do, everything I say, everything I write.
I wish someone would come and talk me out of this.
It is times like this that I really miss Bhola. He was I think the only one who DIDNT judge me. Didnt make out an opinion about me when I cried, or talked to him, or just stood at my front gate with him lying at my feet. We used to be in complete harmony with each other, and truly, he was a better companion than the people around me sometimes.
I wish the dog-catchers had't taken him away.
I miss Bhola, I really miss him.
People reading this, please dont judge me with what I write in this post. I am hanging in a time where I find it hard to be just myself, and my blog is the only place where I can do that.
These days I really dont bother to stop my tears, but sometimes even they dont help. I wish this would pass... I am tired of it all, tired of it all...
Exhausted with the attempt to pour my feelings out,