Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Is this what pain feels like?
then i have known NOTHING of it.
felt nothing of it
before
Struggling under water
in what seems like a dream
a horrible, horrible dream.
will you come and wake me from it nanamma?
will you come back
and scold me
for not washing my clothes
for not learning to cook?
for not tying my hair?
will you come back and sweep my hair out of my face
and say
"your bindi isn't big enough"?
and chastise me for becoming stylish?
for not wearing gold earrings?
for keeping my neck bare?
for wearing "boy like clothes" instead of decent salwars?
for using all my new shoes at the same time
or wear all my new clothes back-to-back?

will you come back and oil my hair and say that it is thinner than before
and that its all the effect of these "nasty smelling shampoos"?
and tell me to teach her computer so that she can waste her time like me on it too!
and watch your silly devotional serials and old black-and-white movies...
and laugh when i would dance suddenly,
smack me on my back and say "my grand-daughter is mad"?

will you come back and support me when both my parents start scolding me?
hide me in your arms and say "she is just a child nanaji"?
come back nanamma- dont leave me alone like this
i might not learn the right things again.
people may not praise me for my good-up bringing again
i may not stop crying in this cold night again
in this cold night again...

will you forgive me for the times i was rude to you?
wouldnt talk properly when i thought you were being too irritating?
will you give me a chance to apologize again?
make you smile again
make you proud again
make you happy again
like the time i wore your sari
and you said there was no one more beautiful than me?
will you be the strength of our house again?
the strong lady, with your amazing will power
and iron-like strength- invincible, unbreakable?

how could you break now nanamma?
and go away from me??
so far that i cant even hear you?
cant even see you?
come back
please
come back
i may not stop crying in this cold night again
in this cold night again...


cant write anymore. cant cry anymore...